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Matt’s Blog

• Inflated

  2009 Nov 7

  My tire was flat again yesterday. It seemed fine before I went into Mister Doughnut’s, but as soon as I got on it for the ride home I knew it was totally flat. I was annoyed because I only just got it repaired a couple of weeks ago and ever since I had been riding carefully so it wouldn’t happen again. As usual, the universe shows that it has other plans. It wasn’t too bad though. I took it to get repaired today and it turned out to just be a stray nail or something similar. The guy remembered me from before (it is shocking how much I understand of people now without words). So it cost less. Yay! And since it was a random pointy thing, there wasn’t much I could do about it. Move on, move on.
  
  The rest of my day has been a bit weird. I’ve been very sleepy today. Not tired, just sleepy. I felt some crap on my chest when I woke up, and felt a little bit numb in that way you do when an illness sets in, but nothing has really developed. It’s made me feel quite relaxed but very lazy. it is now the evening and I’m a bit bored with being inside. However, I know I need the rest. I could go out somewhere, and I would like to go and have fun and maybe meet people but I definitely need the rest. Several days with the younger children and late nights will do that. Next week though I’m going to make plans to go out. It’ll be closer to pay day and so I won’t mind spending the money. I always feel a little sad when I end up staying in because I know I won’t meet any new, exciting people here. Maybe some new and exciting bugs, but that’s only if I leave my window open.
  
  I have work to do, but I haven’t got around to it yet, and basically I am just passing time until I am hungry enough to get something to eat. Maybe I am now.

• Don’t Get It

  2009 Nov 6

  I don’t get it. I really don’t. I had a really great week. A nice day off on Tuesday in which I met a friend and had some nice drinks. Then Wednesday I went to Kindergarten, which is good because I got to play with little kids and I got half the day off. Then, I went to Elementary school and the children absolutely loved my Halloween lesson. They went nuts for it. I was worried they would be too shy (and the 6th grade were, a little) but they were totally willing to play Trick or Treat. So I got to laugh as the kids put their hands into boxes full of brains (tofu in yoghurt and pasta sauce), eyeballs (peeled grapes) and fingernails (plastic in sauce, for good measure). I played tricks on them for the students’ amusement and I got good comments by teachers and students alike. So, I was very pleased. Finally, I had resumed chatting, via email, with a girl I had originally spoken to when I first came to Japan. Things were starting to look promising. There was absolutely no sign that things were anything but positive. Then, out of the blue, she sends me a message today saying that she doesn’t think we are a match and sorry. Okay, we were just chatting, and I was enjoying it, but that was all. Why do I feel like I have just been dumped? It’s made me question my whole... me-ness with such cliché thoughts as “I’m never going to find anyone” and “I never seem to get anywhere being honest and nice so why not just be a complete bastard?”. I’m a particular fan of the last one right now, but being nice is hardwired into my being. I could no more be mean than I could slice off a hand with a rubber chicken that had been left in the oven until it went all liquidy, or burnt, or whatever would happen to it. I really must research that in case I ever need to write a scene in a book where someone puts a rubber chicken in an oven.
  
  So, I don’t get why that decision was suddenly made, I don’t get why I have trouble finding women when I seem to be the kind of guy they always say they want and I don’t get why lots of bad stuff has suddenly happened to me this evening after such a good week.
  
  There was that, then my tire went flat while I was in Mister Doughnut and I had to push the bike all the way back home. I was already tired and then by the time I got home I felt dizzy with a possible temperature. Now my mood is just ruined. I might have to draw some happy cartoon rabbits and then sneer at them for being so happy.

• Bendy Bendy Stick

  2009 Nov 3

  There’s an advert on TV here where a woman gets chased around by laundry until she stops and has a cup of coffee. It goes ‘Blendy blendy. Blendy stick!’. Today was a good day. I had lunch with my stalker in the same restaurant where we first had dinner. It went on for so long. We talked for ages. I enjoy that we can tease each other, because I’m never sure if other friends can take it. So we had a decent lunch and then carried on talking over three or four cups of coffee and hot strawberry liquid stuff. It took up my whole day really as now it won’t be long until dinner time.
  
  It’s so cold today too. The weather has really changed fast. Only two weeks ago it was regularly in the twenties and now it is winter. The typhoon really ripped up the climate and I wouldn’t be surprised if it snowed tomorrow. Because it is such a sharp contrast it seems a lot colder than it actually is. Given a few days or weeks of cold, which I am sure we will have, and we should be used to it. I still have to buy some fuel for my second heater, and a clothes horse, because I’m not going to be able to dry clothes outside anymore.
  
  I’m also very used to the masks people are wearing because of the flu. In fact, I quite like them. They make people a little mysterious, and really highlight the eyes, which on most Asian women, are bloody gorgeous. Speaking of which, I may have found the (most) perfect girl (I will find). She’s Japanese, very friendly, unbelievably kind and generous, she speaks a good amount of English, she’s learning to teach yoga and she’s a dancer. Plus there are other reasons I am not going to state here, just know that they make me feel very good about her. The only problem is that she lives half way across the country. Considering there is a chance that I may have to move at the end of this school year, that’s not all bad, but it seems I can’t find anyone who doesn’t have a flaw of some kind. Normally, it is distance, which is to be expected I suppose, as there certainly is a lot more of the world that is far away than there are parts of the world that are close. Also, brown bears are brown, birds fly and your fly is undone.

• Virtual

  2009 Nov 1

  I exist mainly online. I am not a huge presence but I am more effective there. Everyone I know, and a huge bunch of strangers, knows what I am doing because I write about it for all to read here. I make more friends online than I do off. I work, connected to the online world and research through it. All my lessons are based on ideas I find online. My writing exists more online than in paper form. Funny, isn’t it? But I guess it’s because it is a lot easier to do what you want in the virtual world. In the real world there are no end of problems, red tape and confidence issues that get in the way.
  
  That’s one reason I get frustrated about girls. I’ve managed to contact a lot of people online, but in real life I get nervous before going on a few dates. Maybe, because they are so rare. When I think about it, in point of fact, I’ve never really been on proper dates until now. So, I guess it is no wonder, and I can only hope it gets easier... or that it won’t have to because I’ll meet someone soon. It’s more frustrating being in Japan too. In England, I didn’t mind because there were hardly ever any attractive people around (for me), yet in Japan there are so many. So I hope this is the darkest hour before the dawn. The dawn being a cute Japanese girl with long black hair and eyes you could drop a penny in and never hear the ‘plop’.... probably because it would be an “Ow! What are you dropping pennies on my eye for?”... or “いたい！どうした？”
  
  So yes, today I have had a nice day just being at home, but being productive too. I have tidied my flat and I have spent a good few hours drawing pictures for my Halloween lesson while Firefly plays in the background. It is a joy. Through the joys of facebook, I got to hear about other people’s great Halloweens too. I wish I was in a place where there were people dressing up and going out. Hopefully this will be the last month of money being tight. So I can go out and enjoy holidays from now on, or visit bigger cities. But, oh wait, the next big holiday is Christmas and that isn’t celebrated here at all. Though Christmas Eve is actually a kind of Valentine’s Day for the Japanese.

• Heart On My Chest

  2009 Oct 31

  I wonder why all my plans go tits up. Am I not a good friend? Maybe I am too busy fighting demons in hope of freeing the land that nods to pay attention to other folkels. I look like a complete idiot sometimes. I invite people places, promise other people they will go and then I turn up alone and I'm the fool left explaining that I’m not a Billy No-Mates with Drop Dead Freds for company. In the long run that doesn’t matter too much, not least of all because I’ve decided not to go to that a party tonight. I'm mainly concerned about the fact I am probably going to die alone. I'm not saying this for pity, but out of sheer matter of fact that occurred to me today.
  
  Today I went to meet a girl knowing it was just for an English lesson and under the impression that, like Pip, she was going to move away soon - so there was no apparent chance of romantic happenings. Yet I still got myself so nervous and worked up that I had a headache on the way to Sendai and felt dizzy on the train. Sometimes, I hate my brain. I remember how nervous I was meeting Pip too and she was nice but not strikingly attractive. The problem with me is, I'm stupidly picky and not happy with anyone unless they are incredibly gorgeous, despite my meagre offering, on top of everything else. So just imagine how nervous I would be with such a woman. I would have no chance, and I'm almost 30. How can I still be like this? I meet someone and I’m just hurrying to get the adventure over with so I can go back to a comfortable existence where I’m not worried about making a tit of myself or having a panic attack all the time. So it seems inevitable that I am going to die alone, because I can’t see how I am going to impress anyone I am interested in. I will start putting money aside for prostitutes.
  
  As it turned out though, this girl was nice, and she has a similar taste in music. And things didn't go horribly wrong. She even sent an email to me this evening expressing an interest in meeting again (what does that mean?) and a cute photo of her in the new glasses she bought. So there is a possibility things might develop in the future. I'm just not holding my breath. If I'm gonna get worked up every time I go to meet her then its probably not going to be worth it. Maybe it is just the build up. We have to plan the meet, then I have days expecting it, then I have the long journey to the city and then waiting around in the spot where we will meet. If she came to visit me then it would be far better. I hate anything I can see coming; jokes, spitballs, meteors, speeding buses when I’m standing on a crossing. Maybe I shall see if she is comfortable with having an English lesson at my place, or at least a neutral spot in my city.
  
  On the way back from the train station, I was very cold and needed food. So I stopped in at the ramen shop that I haven't been to for ages - the one owned by the man who took me karaoke singing. It was good. Not only do I have a nice meal when I go there but I get to chill and chat to the staff afterwards like I am a friend coming to visit. They called me Machyu-kun too, which is cool. It's the first time I've been called a -kun (a suffix of affection for males) without people adding a ‘t’ sound on the end of it and it cheered me up a bit. He helped me with my other problem too, which is that I had been invited to a Halloween party this evening but no idea where it was. I left looking for the place too long, assuming I could find it on my iphone's map on my way there. However, it doesn't seem to exist and no one has heard of it. Not even the phone directory people who my friend called up. I was considering biking around town in my costume looking for the place, but there were too many reasons against it. My tiredness was one, the headache another, the hangover intruding on my worktime tomorrow and since I volunteered the idea of doing this Halloween lesson for Elementary school I need to deliver. There’s also the act that I won’t know a soul there, but I do know that it is mostly middle aged souls, who are good company at times, but not the kind of partying company I want right now. The final reason is that the costume I bought is more lame than an extremely dumb dog that walked into our seperate bear traps and then got its tail caught in a fifth for good measure. I bought what I thought was a cool skeleton suit, but it turns out to be a t-shirt. It’s a very cool t-shirt, but as a Halloween costume it’s lame, and I don’t think the guy from a country that actually celebrates Halloween should be outdone by a bunch of peeps from a country that doesn’t. I also get to have a decent night’s sleep. I shall just have to live with the fact that I could have had fun, and I might have met some cool new people.
  
  Another reason is there is another party tomorrow. See, my friend at the Ramen shop told me that there is an annual foreigners party during the day. More an event than a party I suppose, but it sounds like it either would be fun...or will be filled with the kind of people I've been trying to avoid. I'd definitely go if there were Japanese English speakers there. The problem with this one is that it is quite a way out of town so I need someone with a car to take me. Might be able to rope someone into it but everyone seems to be hiding tonight.

• Red Cross

  2009 Oct 29

  I didn’t think this moment would come. Relief. Last month was a big hairy arse with warty boils. Thanks to my pay being reduced after the short hours of summer I had to live very carefully, which meant eating less, which meant me being grumpy. However, I did a good job of not showing it at work. As usual, I have an excellent supply of masks. Then, when I got money, I was running around making sure it went to the right places and I got what I needed with it. That exhausted me. This week, things have gone back to normal activity wise but I’ve been feeling like I’m still coming down from the stress of last month and the tiredness. So, after feeling shitty, it was nice to sort out my finances this evening, at last. I can live comfortably now, plus I have the choice of saving 20-30,000 yen a month or blowing it on a trip to Tokyo one weekend or something. It feels good.
  
  So, where as this morning I wasn’t sure if I was going to just stress out at work and shirk my responsibilities, this evening I’m feeling better than I have in ages. And I almost got sexually harassed by the cute English teacher, if rubbing chalk off my backside could have counted as such. I don’t think it is if I give her permission. She ran off anyway. She’s in a bad mood with me because I never give her any “Matt Money”. I’ll make up for that one day. And I got the news that one of my best friends has fallen pregnant! So congratulations to you, Jot. I can’t wait to play “Uncle” haha. Who am I kidding though? She has so much family I won’t be able to get a peek in.
  
  So yeah, this week. I managed to get some lessons organised. I’ve been teaching, after what felt like another long hiatus even though it was only a week or so and I have been teaching the second grade. I haven’t done that since before summer. It’s nice because I hardly know them, so it feels new.
  
  Tomorrow is Halloween. I like Halloween, because, despite it being largely an Americanized holiday, it celebrates the supernatural, which is my bread and butter in the literary world. So I’m all for it. I still have to sort out a costume, but I have a party to go to on Saturday. I wanted to make a Jack Skellington costume, but I might have to settle for buying a plain ole skeleton suit. I’ve always wanted one of those full body skeleton suits that have the painted (I think) design. All the ones I’ve found nowadays have stupid, cheap looking plastic glued onto them. Ah well, I’ll have to see what I can pick up on the way home tomorrow.

• Pumpkin

  2009 Oct 26

  I’m very torn about Sendai. It’s a lovely place. It’s a nice big city that has all the usual related amenities and attracts decent gigs events and the like. It has a university, good connections to other major cities and there are just so many beautiful women there. Yet, every time I go it turns into a stressful shitty little annoyance. I had to go in today to visit the bank. I got there okay, but despite me having prepared everything I needed and using all the information the bank back home gave me, I still couldn’t complete the payment so I ended up wasting my money going there and wasting my time (which was hours) in the bank trying to work through the forms with the bank clerk. I appreciate her efforts but why is it so complicated? I’ve tried so hard recently to make my payments back home but everything I do, something gets in the way and normally it’s my UK bank’s fault. It’s like they don’t want their money. I’m planning to go to Sendai again on Sunday to meet a girl. I’m determined to make a day of it and have a good time so I can reverse this curse.
  
  In the meantime, I’m knackered with all my free time used up. So I’m gonna quit wasting it talking to you lot and go do something better instead. No offense, my loving adoring fans.