A collection of darkly humorous stories and columns.
In “The Twilight of the Clowns” a traditional way of life ends as clowning ceases to be a viable way of life; In “Everybody Loves a Little Elf” elves save a man’s business but they create a literal stink about property rights and slave labor; In “More than One Day in the Life of Igor Igoravitch” a KGB agent is caught up in a web of intrigue that is his own creation; Australians move to take over the world with their national food, the hot dog; The web of lies in Charlotte's Web is exposed; and the price of the simulacra in the window is finally laid bare.
When I was going to one of my colleges I drove a yellow Volkswagen super beetle. You may be aware that older cars get pulled over more often. I can attest to this. As soon as I started driving a new car I was never pulled over – no change in driving habits.
Yes, I bought this book – and I read it. But it was far more useful than that.
After I read it I kept it on the back seat of my yellow Volkswagen super beetle. Next to a thick spiral notebook and a copy of the book “100 cases against law enforcement.”
Thereafter, whenever I was pulled over, and the police did their “shine a light in the car before talking to the driver” bit, they saw these books.
Then they would thank me and let me go. Never a word of warning.
I would like to thank William Kunstler for inadvertently saving me from various unpleasant interactions.
Also, if you’re interested in radical lawyering, you could do worse than give it a read.
Confidentially, I’m just like everyone else.
Like most people, I separate all of my laundry into two piles: Colored and Whites Only. And it’s not because I’m prejudiced; it’s because that’s the way I was taught.
Then, I single out the white items for special treatment. It’s not even something I think about anymore. That’s institutionalized racism my friend.
Sadly, it doesn’t even stop there. No. In addition to separating out the White items for special treatment, I separate the Colored items into piles according to how Colored they are. Light, dark, medium. And I separate out the Reds completely. Nothing can ever mingle with the Reds. It’s a red scare.
Result: when I do the laundry I feel dirty.
Doing laundry is inherently bad. It feeds on the worst tendencies in a person. I am considering a boycott. Wait. That may be sexist. Girlcott? Personcott? I’m confused.
I’m confused every time I do the laundry. Why can’t I put the Reds in? It’s simple. Because everything else will turn pink. Actually, only things that are lighter will become pink. Those things that are more “susceptible” to a Red philosophy. But yes, things will turn pink. Usually a lovely shade of pink.
This causes many people to relegate these items, perfectly serviceable items of clothing, into the garbage or the back of a drawer. Or to use them as a dust rag. Why? Simple. Latent fear of homosexuality.
People discard their pink socks purely due to fear of homosexuality. That’s sad.
It’s despicable behavior. There is nothing wrong with pink clothing. It’s as good as any other clothing. It serves to get the job done. What is it that you people expect?
I own, and subsequently wash, a great deal of reject clothing. Seasonal markdowns. Discarded clothing. Irregular shirts.
I tend to buy all my shirts at half off, due to the fact that they’re irregular. Not irregular due to production glitches, but because they have deviant thoughts. Because of this they are ostracized by the merchandising system. They are placed in the discount bin, away from the “good” clothing, and sold at a bargain price. They are liquidated. Because they are irregular some people question whether they are “safe for children to wear” – though there has never been a single case of an irregular shirt harming a child.
When I bring them home and place them in the closet, the other clothes relegate them into a special corner, a ghetto of sorts, which the shirts refer to as “the hip section of the closet.” This is where all the culturally relevant events in the closet take place. If you’re going to be in the closet this is the section of the closet you want to be in.
The shirts always have the last laugh. They sway and influence the children of the other attire: the jeans, the sweaters, the shoes (who try so hard to raise their youth to be straight-laced).
Eventually, the shirts will triumph. It’s inevitable.
Valentine’s day is on Sunday. So when Charlie Brown checks the mailbox that is the primary reason there will be no Valentine.
A secondary reason is that print is dead.
The tertiary reason is that people secretly hate him.
“It happened that a fire broke out backstage at a theater. The clown came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the wits, who believe that it is a joke.”
A collection of darkly humorous stories and columns.
In “The Twilight of the Clowns” a traditional way of life ends as clowning ceases to be a viable way of life; In “Everybody Loves a Little Elf” elves save a man’s business but they create a literal stink about property rights and slave labor; In “More than One Day in the Life of Igor Igoravitch” a KGB agent is caught up in a web of intrigue that is his own creation; Australians move to take over the world with their national food, the hot dog; The web of lies in Charlotte's Web is exposed; and the price of the simulacra in the window is finally laid bare.