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• it is what it is

  2009 Nov 08

  It has been a long time since I've really written. I've toyed with some lyrics and I've worked some on my fictional work, but it's been almost two months since I really focused and let the muse speak. It's been hard to find that space. Between preparing for shows, handling the SOULKISS bookings, working a part-time job and maintaining my relationships, it has been challenging to just drop it all and create.
  
  When Elizabeth and I were in Nashville, I was reminded of how many stories there are to tell...and how many great storytellers I know. I also realized that there is a part of me that guards them....that holds them close....that wants to save them for those who gain access to the holy of holies...that sacred space or circle, if you will. I realize that that is selfish...that the stories are meant to be, as my mother once sang, given away...freely. So I'm working on that.
  
  I have also been contending with my continual back and forth/love-hate relationship with this life: this gypsy life. I have lived the past 9 years of my life living to sing. There has been, virtually, no other focus. My one attempt at living my life outside of the song was disastrous...and was honestly the reason I moved to New York and made the decision to go for it. This is it. Now or never. And it has been a successful time. And I see it gaining momentum every day.
  
  It is the moments outside of the song that are difficult. Those are the moments that are, quite honestly, hard to live. Those are the moments that feel loveless...incomplete...languid. I find comfort in knowing that most of my heroes have lived and felt this way. In the song, I am. period. In the song, none of the things that concern me outside of the song exist: It doesn't matter than I am single. It doesn't matter that I am where I am financially. The spirit overtakes all of those things and for those 90 minutes that I/we are on stage, we transcend it.
  
  And then when it is over, I crash. I am reminded that it is what it is. And I have to contend with it.
  
  Probably not the most encouraging blog, but I always feel compelled to be truthful and to be honest. I'm not a showbiz kinda guy. This is real. This is what it is. I think every creative person has, at least momentarily, felt this way. So this is me sharing.

  

• the weekly random report

  2009 Nov 05

  1. I know I'm about 20 years late on this, but I am addicted to Murder, She Wrote. I never watched it while it was actually on network television, but I DVR the reruns on the Hallmark Channel and wish I had paid attention to this.
  
  
  2. I returned to the sweatshop after being out sick for a week. And yes, it is still as torturous as I remembered it being. I'm grateful for the provision that it brings to this singer/songwriter, but would be thrilled to have a part-time job in a library or something that would be provide me the same flexibility that this job does. Argh.
  
  
  3. On the upswing, the sweatshop is helping get the SOULKISS album off the ground. We head back in the studio on Sunday to lay down our vocals on the three rhythm tracks we have started...and in rehearsal tonight, we decided on the next song we will record a track for.
  
  
  4. While I was home sick, I saw Aretha Franklin on a Soul Train rerun from 1972. She was singing tunes from "Young, Gifted & Black", one of my favorite albums by her. She was singing live, which rarely happened on Soul Train and I was recaptivated by this woman who eminated the richest soul possible during that time period. It made me get out the albums she made between 1972 and 1975 and I have to say, they are completely underrated. If you're a vinyl head, get "With Everything I Feel In Me"...and anyone can get "Hey Now Hey" and "Amazing Grace" on iTUNES. Pure brilliance.
  
  5. There is a gig coming up in Nashville on the 21st. I will post details tonight. Hope all of my Nashville friends can come out...
  
  More later. I love you guys.

  

• the don't tell mama shows

  2009 Nov 03

  the past two weeks have been two of the most special weeks of my life. this year has been loaded with experiences beyond my wildest dreams. the past two weeks with charlene moore have been, at the risk of understatment, pretty amazing.
  
  the rehearsals were spirit filled. charlene's presence brought the best out in all of us. when david sang 'fools fall in love' in the first rehearsal, i cried like i was in church. we began recording our album the same week and just having her there as a sounding board, was profound.
  
  the energy the night of the first show was crazy. people were lined up out the door of the venue and when we finally hit the stage, we were ready. martha wash, one of our favorite vocalists, was in the audience and it was kind of uncanny having here there while we paid tribute to her, izora and sylvester.
  
  as we did the encore, a medley of dottie rambo's 'he looked beyond on my fault' and the sylvester/patti anthem 'you are my friend', the song took a turn. the kind of turn that happens in church. what happened afterwards was 20 minutes of improvisation and the night turned from a bawdy, bluesy gathering to a revivial. i will never forget the sound of the audience or the sight of elizabeth cunningham's arms uplifted as she rose from her seat. the goddess was with us.
  
  the night following the show, i felt myself starting to get ill. something wasn't right in my throat. it wasn't sore, but it was irritated. i started my regiment of tea, but it wasn't touching the achiness that was beginning to take over my body. by sunday night, i had a temperature. i was up most of the night sweating and monday, all i could do was sleep. the temperature rose and fell most of monday. it hit 102 and i called the doctor. his assistant said to go to the er if my fever hit anything over 100 before morning came. i got up around 5 and my brother took my temperature and hit had hit 103. we rushed to the er only to wait for two hours for nothing to happen.
  
  i opted to leave and thankfully my doctor got me in. i started antibiotics and worried about whether or not i would be able to do friday's show. then one of my soulkiss brothers got a cold. we both medicated and kept positive and sure enough, by friday, we were passable.
  
  something happened when we hit the stage on the 30th. we found that 'thing' that true lovers of song have. i've experienced moments when i couldn't whisper, and when i hit the stage, the voice came from nowhere and this past friday was one of those experiences. we made it through the show without a single cough or voice break. charlene was brilliant, once again, and the spirit rose. i saw one of our dear friends reduced to tears and the mere sound of her voice.
  
  when i reviewed the footage for youtube, the majority of the clips i chose came from that second night. something otherworldly happens when you are forced to find that place inside and spirit has to simply rise to make it all work. and that's what this past friday's show was.
  
  on sunday, charlene's birthday arrived and she wanted to go to church, so we packed up in the car and went with her. as the service was reaching an end, i felt the presence of spirit. i began to cry...i never can deny it. i find as i get older, my ability to be reserved evades me more and more. i remember my head dropping in surrender and the tears flowed. i felt one brothers hand on my back. i felt my other brother take my hand. with my eyes closed, we met in that other place. that place that is, as elizabeth has written about, between the worlds. while we were physically in this place together, we were spiritually together in another place. it was sacred. it was holy. and i will never forget it.
  
  people see the videos and come to the shows and imagine that we are in a certain place. but i can be transparent enough to say that we are yet in that pending place. we are on our way. things are happening, but there are still day to day worries...day to day needs...day to day questions...and momentary forgetfullness of what we know lies ahead. but we are given these moments to remember..and remember...and remember again.
  
  be sure to check all of the clips at www.youtube.com/timdillinger