Prince Charming, wherefore art thou?
Sleeping Beauty, my kiss awaits thee…

The old bumper sticker goes, “You have to kiss an awful lot of toads before you find the handsome prince”, but to be quite frank, there’s an awful lot of people advertising themselves as toads! Yes, advertising!

Where are these strange advertisements? Ladies and gentlemen, they are there for the world to see on every internet dating site, and in every printed personal column throughout the land. If I had a pound for every “personal profile” (for which read “advert”), I’ve seen that looks something like this, I’d have retired to paradise by now:

“Average looking person with GSOH, likes all the usual things – pubs, clubs, eating out, wltm similar. Looks unimportant.”

Perhaps these people are receiving sack loads of replies. If so, I’d like to know who’s writing them. Presumably ugly, boring people with nothing better to do!

Look, if you really want to meet the perfect partner, and you’ve decided on the dating sites/personal ads route, (and there’s no shame in that!), you have to treat the profile as an advert. And the product is you. Now you may have a gut resistance to thinking of yourself as a product, but believe me, when someone is considering whether or not to meet you, there’s only one question they want answered before they’ll even think of an email or call. The question is known throughout the world of marketing, and all advertisers who know their onions know what it is. It’s this:

“What’s in it for me?”

That’s it! Answering that question, if you’re the advertiser, will drive you to put in front of the reader or viewer the benefits of the product – those are the bits that make people feel good. A new car may have leather trim, but that’s a feature. The slogan, “Drive in luxury” may generate a feeling and the leather seats are just one feature contributing to the benefit of feeling luxurious.

Get the picture? Good. Now, think of yourself in the same kind of way. If someone ends up with you as his or her partner, what’s in it for them? Are they going to find themselves with a witty, sexy, generous, loving, caring, intelligent individual who will add spice and variety to every aspect of their lives? (Benefit, benefit, benefit!!!) Or will they find themselves with someone who just “likes all the usual stuff”? (Barely even a feature, but carries no emotional content whatsoever).

Also, if you put yourself forward in this way, you can ask – even demand - whatever you want too. If you want someone “emotionally mature, but still with a sense of playfulness,” say so. After all, you’ve just revealed you’re worth it.

Remember, the reason for wanting to be in a relationship is to feel good. No, it’s to feel fabulous! You want to feel loved, sexy, respected, honoured even. So why then would you just ask for a mediocre companion? A dog would treat you better than what you’re asking for!

The trick is to come from your heart, not your head. Don’t think about what you do or like, ask yourself who you are. Your hobbies and interests will change with time, your nature goes with you through life. Also, put emotive, feeling words in your profile, and in describing who your ideal partner is, (most dating sites and agencies ask you for this), explain how you want someone to make you feel, not just looking for “someone with similar interests”. That helps, but it isn’t what makes the chemistry happen, otherwise every evening class would be filled with romantic encounters! You probably want someone who can make you laugh, make you feel cherished, (yes, fellas, you too!). A person who is respectful, kind, in touch with their emotions, confident in their body, generous of spirit … aren’t those the kinds of values that would bowl you over?

Composing your profile along these lines has another benefit too. In order to do it, you have to put yourself in touch with your own best qualities, otherwise you can’t write about them. So you write already feeling good about you.

And people who feel good about themselves attract people who feel good about themselves too.

Now, Prince, Sleepyhead, wherefore art the pair of thou?

Posted on Sunday 06 of March, 2005 [09:19:04 UTC]

All I wanted was to fall in love and live happily ever after. The End.

Except it wasn’t that simple. At forty-something, I was hardly “on the shelf”, but I was the veteran of two divorces. That gave rise to plenty of self doubt. It gave rise to another more sinister, subtle symptom too: I didn’t trust the opposite sex not to hurt me again. And guess what? Since the women I was meeting were in a similar age bracket, and also veterans of some painful emotional history, their fears echoed mine. Result? An almost cast iron guarantee that love cannot flourish! You might as well scatter seed on concrete and expect a wheat field to flourish.

The internet is peppered with such walking wounded. Dating sites abound and literally tens of thousands of people from all over the computerised world are looking for love. Naturally, there are success stories with happy endings. But the vast majority are frustrated individuals. Join these sites for a while, (I did for 3 months and ended up staying for 3 years), and you will see the same faces come round again and again. They are not ugly or evil or dangerous people. They are ordinary people like you and me, and yet somehow love is just eluding them.

Why?

To answer that you have to first ask yourself why anyone wants a relationship in the first place. The answer is not obvious, but it is simple. In just about every generation up to about the 1950’s, people got into relationships because it was inevitable. Sooner or later, procreation was going to take place, and pregnancy meant the mothers needed economic support which was, of course, provided by the fathers. Roles were clear, nature played a big part. Whether relationships were “happy” or the couple were “in love” were secondary considerations. The relationship itself was primary, and at all costs was made to survive until death did them part. Add in social and religious pressures, and no wonder our grandparents and all of their forbears stayed together for life.

Nowadays we have a completely different agenda. It boils down to this: we will only stay in a relationship, or even enter into one, if it feels better than not doing so.

In other words, relationships have to make us happy or we’re out.

That’s a big agenda, but the biggest problem with it isn’t its size; it’s that it goes unacknowledged. Society, from government to the church to our neighbours, tends towards the old values and we still measure ourselves by them. We still consider ourselves to have failed if we break up a relationship, or worse, if we are the one who is jilted. This, in spite of the fact that we don’t bat an eyelid if our friends change career, move house or emigrate no matter how many times they do it. But change partners? There’s something wrong with you!

The fact remains, though, that broken relationships lead to broken hearts, and broken hearts hurt. Pain leads to fear, and fear leads to either a total giving up, or an attempt to half commit – with resulting unsatisfactory relationships all round.

So what’s the antidote?

Two things, really. First, love yourself. If you can feel good about the person you’re guaranteed to wake up with every day of your life, no one can hurt you, because that’s your inner strength. It wouldn’t matter how many times someone told Arnold Schwarzenegger he was a weakling, would it? He would always know that wasn’t true.

Secondly, get clear, really clear, about what you want. And then be honest about that. Do you really want to be with someone with young children? Do you mind if the lovely person you’ve just met has an almost zero libido? Or an insatiable one?

Also be flexible with yourself about this. Your wants and needs are going to change. They won’t be the same three months after the end of a relationship as they will be when three years have elapsed. So you have to learn to listen to your inner self, and not only hear it, but trust it and act on its advice!

What this amounts to actually reduces to an amazing and simple formula for finding and keeping true love. Want to know what it is?

Get to know, like and love the person you spend every day with. (For full details of who that is, check your nearest mirror!)

That’s it! That way, you’ll have bundles of love to give away, you’ll be a joy to be around, (which makes you irresistibly attractive), and during those times when you find yourself alone, you’ll be delighted to have your company for a while.

After all, who wouldn’t?

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Trevor Emdon is a senior Mental Health practitioner & NLP practitioner who graduated from Anthony Robbins’ Mastery University in 1999 with full honors. He has also trained in metaphysics with Gill Edwards, (www.livingmagically.co.uk). His latest book, “How to Love Again After Your Heart’s Been Broken” is now published and is available now from http://www.lulu.com/content/111153. He will be running workshops on the subject in spring 2005. To order your copy of the book, reserve a place on a workshop, or to arrange private consultation, contact him by email: tremailwiz-offers@yahoo.co.uk.

Posted on Friday 04 of March, 2005 [12:47:12 UTC]